More on Religion and Depression

The group blog Segullah is continuing its series on depression, with Part IV: Family Ties and Part V: Parenting Children with Depression. I found the discussions sensitive, knowledgeable, and hopeful. The participants talk about other disorders as well, such as Bipolar Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The comments after the discussions are detailed and helpful.

When Relationships Go Wrong*

Dealing with Depression

I have recently noticed some very good roundtable discussions about depression on some of the Mormon blogs. The first two were moderated by Kathryn Lynard Soper, on blogs Segullah: Part I; Part II; and Part III, and By Common Consent: Overview; Part I; Part II; Part III; and Part IV. Here's a post and comments about Post Partum Depression on Feminist Mormon Housewives.

I'm glad to see people talking openly about cultural contributors to depression and sharing ways they deal with depression successfully.

One More Rule

This from my colleague Tammy Heaton, LMFT, an addition to the Gottman-Rapoport Intervention(TM), as a guide for couples working through conflict:

"When _________________ happens,
I feel_________________________,
I think (perceive) ________________,
I want ________________________."

The Rules...*

...For Constructive Conflict

Goal of Conflict: heal emotional wounds and learn to process fights and regrettable incidents.

1. Take turns as Speaker and Listener. There are two subjective realities, and both are right.

2. Eliminate the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:
Criticism: of personality, identity (antidote - a gentle start-up)
Defensiveness: manifests as counterattack or playing the innocent victim (antidote - accept responsibility)
Contempt: speaking from a superior place (antidote - build a culture of appreciation and respect)
Stonewalling: shutting down because of physiological overload (antidote - learn self-soothing and take breaks)

3. Start as neutrally as possible. Both must feel safe and open. Both must down-regulate physiologically, and interrupt the discussion if heart-rate goes up, etc. Empathy, rational thought, and ability to communicate vanish in the fight-or-flight mode.

4. "What's this?" attitude vs. "What the hell is this?" attitude.

5. Speaker's job - no blaming, use "I" statements, state feelings and positive needs. State position without blame, with depth and background.

6. Listener's job - take notes, summarize and validate Speaker's position. Ask questions about the history and deeper meaning in the partner's position. Validate emotions even if disagree with position.

7. Postpone persuasion and problem-solving until both people can state his/her partner's position to the partner's satisfaction.


Six Skills to Develop and Use During Conflict:
1. Soften startup
2. Accept influence
3. Make effective relationship repairs during conflict, and accept repair attempts from partner.
4. De-escalate conflict (take breaks)
5. Compromise
6. Physiological soothing.


*based on a John Gottman workshop I recently attended

Temple Grandin

I've been interested in Temple Grandin since first reading about her in Oliver Sacks' 1995 book "An Anthropologist on Mars." Watching this clip of her speaking moved me so much that I cried for 20 minutes afterward (and I don't usually cry). I've worked with autistic and Asperger's clients over the years. To make an over-generalization, they're like Jesus' friend Nathaniel, in whom there is no guile.

There's a new HBO movie starring Claire Danes about her early life, which I haven't seen yet, but which looks good.

An Analogy

I am still thinking about the different ways our culture responds to assaults on property and (sexual) assaults on person. Consider the following situation:

A woman takes her purse and goes shopping, perhaps with the intent to buy something. Or maybe she is just window shopping. Maybe she hasn't made up her mind yet about whether or not she wants to buy. She goes into a store and looks at the things for sale. Maybe she takes something from the shelf or off the rack and looks at it. Perhaps she even carries it up to the shopkeeper at the checkout counter and takes out her money.

But then she changes her mind and decides she's not going to buy the item after all. The shopkeeper grabs her purse away from her and steals her money.

He's completely justified, of course:

1. She shouldn't have been shopping if she didn't want to buy.
2. She went into his shop, didn't she? Doesn't that mean she wants it?
3. She had her purse right out in the open where everyone can see it--a definite signal of intent to buy.
4. Once she's in the shop with her purse, after she's examined the merchandise, and especially after she's taken out her money, too late! Nobody could expect the shopkeeper not to grab the money at that point. He's way too far into the sale to quit now, even if she changes her mind. Sellers can't be expected to control themselves then.
5. It's just she said/he said what really happened anyway.
6. And we all know how these shopping women are--basically asking for it.

Tell me how "date" rape is different from this.