An Analogy

I am still thinking about the different ways our culture responds to assaults on property and (sexual) assaults on person. Consider the following situation:

A woman takes her purse and goes shopping, perhaps with the intent to buy something. Or maybe she is just window shopping. Maybe she hasn't made up her mind yet about whether or not she wants to buy. She goes into a store and looks at the things for sale. Maybe she takes something from the shelf or off the rack and looks at it. Perhaps she even carries it up to the shopkeeper at the checkout counter and takes out her money.

But then she changes her mind and decides she's not going to buy the item after all. The shopkeeper grabs her purse away from her and steals her money.

He's completely justified, of course:

1. She shouldn't have been shopping if she didn't want to buy.
2. She went into his shop, didn't she? Doesn't that mean she wants it?
3. She had her purse right out in the open where everyone can see it--a definite signal of intent to buy.
4. Once she's in the shop with her purse, after she's examined the merchandise, and especially after she's taken out her money, too late! Nobody could expect the shopkeeper not to grab the money at that point. He's way too far into the sale to quit now, even if she changes her mind. Sellers can't be expected to control themselves then.
5. It's just she said/he said what really happened anyway.
6. And we all know how these shopping women are--basically asking for it.

Tell me how "date" rape is different from this.

The Stages of Change

Here is a good article by Marc F. Kern about Prochaska's Stages of Change model for overcoming bad habits, addictions, and compulsive behaviors. The 12 Step program is the gold standard, but for some people (and some problems) a harm reduction approach rather than a total abstinence approach may be more effective. I'm not a specialist in chemical dependency or substance abuse, and won't get into that battle, but this model seems a common-sense way to navigate the almost inevitable mistakes and relapses involved in overcoming a long-standing habit.

The idea behind the SCM is that behavior change does not happen in one step. Rather, people tend to progress through different stages on their way to successful change. Also, each of us progresses through the stages at our own rate.
....The stages of change are:

• Precontemplation (Not yet acknowledging that there is a problem behavior that needs to be changed)

• Contemplation (Acknowledging that there is a problem but not yet ready or sure of wanting to make a change)

• Preparation/Determination (Getting ready to change)

• Action/Willpower (Changing behavior)

• Maintenance (Maintaining the behavior change) and

• Relapse (Returning to older behaviors and abandoning the new changes)

....Transcendence

Eventually, if you “maintain maintenance” long enough, you will reach a point where you will be able to work with your emotions and understand your own behavior and view it in a new light. This is the stage of “transcendence,” a transcendence to a new life. In this stage, not only is your bad habit no longer an integral part of your life but to return to it would seem atypical, abnormal, even weird to you.

When you reach this point in your process of change, you will know that you have transcended the old bad habits and that you are truly becoming a new “you", who no longer needs the old behaviors to sustain yourself.

I read once that to successfully kick an addiction the average person goes through rehab seven times. I don't know if that is true, but it speaks to the difficulty of change, and to the importance of self-awareness and honesty about where one is in the change process.